1. Sell stuff online.
That old record player that’s just collecting dust might actually be worth something. Try listing household items on sites like eBay or Craigslist and see what you can fetch for them, you might be surprised!
2. Collect bottles and cans and sell them to homeless people.
Price them at 3 cents and let the indigent do the leg work, that’s just basic trickle-down economics. You’ll have to peddle at least a couple million bottles and cans a year for this to be sustainable. But if you’re the kind of guy who has the hook-up on a couple million bottles and cans, this may be right up your alley.
3. Liquor store + ski mask + finger in your jacket.
Need I say more?
4. Sell drugs.
The more unstable the consumer base, the more money there is in it. Be sure to do your due diligence and listen to Biggie’s 10 Crack Commandments several times before you get to work. Working late into the night is a double-edged sword. You’re more likely to make the big bucks, but you’re also more likely to get cut in a dark alley by a deranged, quickly-withdrawing crackhead.
5. Start a cult.
Go to Toastmasters and start rehearsing your pitch. You’ll need to be a good public speaker if you want to convince people that you’re a divine being. Make sure to emphasize that you need more money to spread the good news, it’s a strategy that has worked since the dawn of time.
6. Hooking.
Everyone likes sex, especially people who pay for it. It’s simple supply and demand. Not many people are willing to sleep with other people in exchange for money so you’ll be able to charge a pretty high price. The more you’re willing to do = the more money you’ll make = the sadder you’ll be trying to fall asleep at night.
7. Murder for Hire.
Let’s be honest, some people just don’t deserve to live. And someone has to take out the trash, right? Why shouldn’t it be you? Plus, you’ll have the opportunity to get out of the office and take in some much-needed Vitamin D!
8. Arms Dealing.
If you build semi-automatic rifles, foreign militant factions will come. This one has a low time commitment and as an added bonus, you get to interact with people from other cultures.
9. Kidnapping.
Kidnap a high-ranking government official’s son or daughter. If movies have taught me anything, you’ll have to call them on an outdated flip phone and end the conversation with a cryptic sign-off catchphrase.
10. Hostile Takeover of the Government.
Let’s be honest, the upper 1% holds most of the wealth. Your best bet is to establish yourself as a violent, ruthless dictator. Once you control the military, you can pretty much do whatever you want.
11. Get a part–time job.
Get off the internet and get a second job, you idiot.
Subscribe!
(Don’t worry, I won’t sell your email unless they offer me a lot of money.)