1. Underdress for the interview.
Let them know you don’t need this job. Wear a shirt covered in profanity. The more f-bombs, the better. Think “what’s the most offensive shirt I could buy on a Caribbean cruise?”
2. Inquire about their drug policy.
Before they can ask their first question, blurt out “You don’t drug test, right?!” If they say yes, start to walk out as a joke. But then sit back down, you know how to dilute urine.
3. Cut loose.
Test their limits. If the interviewer asks if you’d like water or coffee, say “It’s past 9 AM, you got anything harder? Above 20% ABV if you’ve got it, the darker the better.” People want to hire people they could get a beer with. Make it known that you drink around the clock.
4. Let them know you have lofty goals.
Tell them about your plan to open a competing company in the next five years. If they ask you to sign an NDA, pretend you couldn’t understand them. Say “NBA? Man, that Steph Curry’s something, huh?” Crisis averted.
5. Be as sarcastic as possible.
Almost to the point of being rude. When asked what your biggest weakness is, say “dealing with incompetence, like I am in this interview.” If they ask how you heard about this position, jokingly say “with my ears, dumbass.” Humor goes a long way.
6. Don't break eye contact.
Even when they avert their eyes. It shows respect and lets them know you’re paying attention. They’re going to get very uncomfortable, but that’s how you know it’s working.
7. Talk louder than them.
If you aren’t yelling, you aren’t getting the job. The telltale sign of a timid employee is not speaking up and projecting. Here is your chance to prove that you aren’t afraid to speak your mind at a really high volume.
8. Aggressively negotiate salary terms.
Companies want someone who’s got a pair, figuratively speaking. When asked what your salary expectations are, say “your salary plus $1, big kahuna.”
9. Come armed.
If you live in an open-carry state, come with a semi-automatic rifle slung over your shoulder. And don’t forget your sidearm just in case your primary jams. They’ll respect your hypervigilance.
10. Copy everything they say.
Copy everything they say. When they say “are you copying me?” you’ve got them. They’re hooked, now you just need to reel them in. Once they catch on and get upset you can ease the tension by saying, “aaand scene.”
11. Turn every question back on them.
When they ask “what are your qualifications?” Answer by saying, “what are your qualifications?” Ask them for references, really grill them if you can.
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