1. Manageable cleaning.
I don’t have to worry about cleaning a big house. Two sweeps of the broom and I’m done. Then I can sit down on the toilet, kick my feet up on the coffee table, and watch some TV. The best part is that the stove is within arm’s reach, so no more burnt noodles! Plus, my cleaning supply expenses are at an all-time low. I’ve been on the same container of Lysol wipes for 3 years now.
2. Crack is readily available.
New York is where the best of the best come to make their mark, and that goes for crack dealers too. Anyone can sell the nasty stuff in another city, but the finest crack vendors come to New York City to sell drugs. I never have to wonder where my next fix is coming from. I simply navigate to the nearest public park and sit down. Crack dealers fight over my business.
3. I never have a shortage of flyers.
The great Mitch Hedberg once said, “When someone tries to hand me a flyer, it’s kind of like them saying ‘here, you throw this away.’” His financial situation must have been better than mine. I’ve found many uses for flyers. For example, I’ve started wiping with them. Sure, my Vaseline expenses have quadrupled, but that’s just city life. Another thing I like to do with flyers is craft paper planes and toss them around my apartment. They don’t have much room to fly but hey, the electricity got shut off. Damn bills!
4. The smell of urine.
Of all human excretions, urine has the least objectionable smell. Nothing says “you’re home” like getting off the train from LaGuardia and smelling evaporated urine. The other great thing about peeing outside is how green it is. Say what you want about homeless people, but they go to great lengths to reduce their carbon footprint. You never see them driving a Hummer or spraying themselves with Axe body spray.
5. Less time spent budgeting.
I never have to worry about how I’ll spend my discretionary income since I don’t have any. Every time I sit down to work on my budget I think “should I be doing this, or should I pick up another shift at my third job that I took to make ends meet?” I know why I took that job, but sometimes my internal dialogues are just that detailed.
6. Tourists are everywhere.
I love giving sightseeing advice. Times Square? No, that’s for tourists. You want to see the real New York. Hail a cab and ask them to take you to the East New York. Don’t forget to ask the locals to take pictures. Say you’re doing it for your school project on gentrification. They love when you use the local lingo! If you’re looking for fine dining, go to Brownsville. They have the best secret Chinese spot. Go to what looks like an abandoned building and knock to the tune of Ice Ice Baby. You’ll be taken straight to a VIP table.
7. Cash-only policies.
Sometimes you just want to feel like a mob boss. And all those extra ones in your wallet? They might come in handy at the strip club later. If that isn’t your thing, they can help you feel extra guilty when you pass homeless people asking for money. He has no shoes, but you need that Diet Fanta.
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